LIVE: Melbourne Family Homes Officially Overrun by Bored Kids
HOLIDAY HAVOC UNLEASHED
Chaos has erupted across suburban homes these school holidays as children take boredom into their own hands. According to an official report by the Parent Sanity Department (PSD), local families are facing an escalating crisis: collapsed lounges, missing remotes, sugar crashes, and suspiciously quiet toddlers.
STATEWIDE PANIC: REPORTS FROM THE GROUND
From Preston to Point Cook, homes are reaching breaking point. Latest reports below:
- Preston: The “Couch Bounce Index” hits an all-time high. Local couches are pleading for structural support.
- Tarneit: Surge in “Wrong Side of the Bed Syndrome.” Symptoms include stomping, yelling, and dramatic sighing.
- Point Cook: Wi-Fi crashes as three children attempt to stream, game, and Zoom Nana simultaneously.
- Lalor: Mum of three caught whispering “I just want five minutes” into the pantry.
- Sunshine West: A toddler biker gang known only as “Couch Ollie” is seen tearing through the living room on battery powered mini cars and cardboard drag racers.
EXCLUSIVE: PARENT SPEAKS OUT FROM THE FRONTLINES
QUICK SNAPS: SMALL INCIDENTS, BIG DRAMA
- Epping: Children cartwheel instead of walk, dizziness and furniture casualties reported.
- Brunswick: Mum hiding in pantry rediscovered. Patience at record lows.
- Altona Meadows: Nerf warfare escalates. Dads resort to pillow armor or fleeing to the garage.
- Essendon: “Brain Rot Epidemic” with kids watching 6+ hours of straight Youtube.
- Taylors Lakes: Sibling crash on hallway turn 2, no plushies were harmed.
KID INTERVIEW: AGE 6, HIGHLY OPINIONATED
NORTH VS WEST VS SOUTH: WHO’S COPING WORSE?
- North (Reservoir, Preston, Coburg, Lalor, Epping): PSD confirms widespread snack rations depleted by 10am. Wi-Fi routers overheated. Local kids spotted watching window condensation form, labelled as “entertainment.” Suspected cases of enforced quiet time under laundry piles.
- West (Sunshine West, Altona Meadows, Tarneit, Taylors Lakes, Point Cook, Glenroy): Multiple homes report new indoor kart tracks mapped around furniture. Sunshine West dad injured during accidental entry into Nerf crossfire. Tarneit reports “staircase bowling” incidents doubling since Monday. Parents’ rooms now designated bunkers with reinforced locks.
- South (St Kilda, Richmond, Kew, Malvern East, Hawthorn, Brunswick, Essendon): A chandelier was reportedly used for a slam dunk attempt in Hawthorn. Brunswick family admits to living among soft toys, unsure where the floor begins. In Richmond, father defended last meat pie from his 3 kid ninjas, he lost the pie.
THE BIGGER PICTURE: A CITY UNDER SIEGE
The PSD now classifies Melbourne homes as “compromised zones.” With symptoms of Holiday Activity Mayhem (HAM) spreading fast, parents are advised to seek sanctuary at SuperPark immediately.
PSD RECOMMENDS: EMERGENCY SUPERPARK DEPLOYMENT
SuperPark is now classified as the only Approved Holiday Safezone — the only facility equipped to manage this crisis.
Facilities include:
- SuperJump: bounce away the energy
- Adventure City: perfect for explorers (no pantry-hiding necessary)
- SuperWhiz: screens off, brains on
- SuperFooty: real goals, no broken vases
- Pedal Car Track: high speed fun that won’t mark the walls
- Ninja Track: hyper-focus those ninja skills
- SuperBites Café: Refuel those tummies, zero back chat. Plus, reeeeeally good coffee for grown-ups
A FRIENDLY WARNING FROM PSD
We’re not saying your home won’t survive another week… but if your hallway has turned into a dodgeball arena and the dog is wearing a tutu, maybe it’s time to activate Plan SuperPark.
Book your escape now — before the sugar crash starts.
